VANCOUVER, Wash. – Local office worker and self-proclaimed feminist Bryce Coquet loudly reprimanded a female coworker for having the audacity to mention that she had a “girl’s” night out to celebrate her birthday over the weekend, according to witnesses who can’t stomach being in the same room with him.
“Trish knows that I’m a staunch feminist, so hearing her blatant misogyny was truly offensive,” stated Coquet, who was wearing a “Let’s Make Herstory” t-shirt. “Referring to it as a ‘girl’s’ night only infantilizes women, and just because Trish happens to be one doesn’t excuse her ignorance. So it was important to make an example out of her in front of her colleagues, superiors, and especially the ninth graders visiting for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Thank God I was here to be a role model for all those little women who had to witness Trish’s disgusting, patriarchal behavior.”
The object of Coquet’s fury, Trish Rossi, described her ongoing frustration with her coworker.
“Bryce’s an unbearable douchebag,” bemoaned Rossi. “He’s been wokefishing ever since the MeToo movement started. All this is just a distraction so nobody realizes how big of a piece of shit he is. But spoiler alert, everyone already knows. Last year he questioned our colleague Yin’s support for her Chinese heritage because she didn’t wear enough red on Lunar New Year’s, and just a few weeks ago he tried to call out a gay coworker after he only listed six letters in the pride acronym not the twenty Bryce insists on using. Pretty sure there’s not that many letters.”
Workplace Communications expert Jason Delonge explained that many companies are struggling to integrate these types of insufferable employees into their cultures.
“It’s a huge problem right now all across corporate America,” said Delonge. “We’ve seen exponential growth in the number of men pretending to care about various causes like feminism in the workplace so much so that it’s having a negative effect on staff retention. Companies would like to have an inclusive environment where everyone is supported, but time after time guys like this hijack it and make it about themselves, mainly in the hopes of being seen as some kind of white knight, or, more frequently, just trying to get their lame asses laid.”
At press time, Coquet was seen interrupting an Indigenous coworker in the middle of a land acknowledgment because he said they were doing it wrong.