JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Popular conservative influencer Jake Fowler intends to “own the libs” by spending two months in a notorious El Salvadoran prison to prove it’s not as bad as media outlets report, concerned sources confirmed.
“What’s up truth seekers, American patriots, and members of the Free-Thinkers Republic, I’m about to head to CECOT for a few weeks of rest and relaxation. A little social media detox where I get free meals and a haircut, it doesn’t get much better than that,” said Fowler in the last video he uploaded to YouTube. “I’ve seen too many lies about how El Savador’s prisons are inhumane, and how President Trump’s deportations are crimes against humanity. I’m going to show everyone that going to prison in El Salvador is no different than staying at a Best Western. I’ll talk to you again in eight weeks, unless I’m having so much fun I decide to extend my stay.”
Fowler’s family lawyer Robert Bagley says he has had little contact with his client since he entered the facility.
“Mr. Fowler has been inside the prison for just about two days now. I’ve had one five-minute conversation with him and he seemed slightly distressed. In the interest of full transparency, he was crying the entire time we talked. He informed me that he was beaten by masked guards and was given a series of electric shocks for bleeding too much,” said Bagley. “Other than that he seemed to be in good spirits. He’s excited to get back home and give his followers a full breakdown of his time spent in the prison. The one hiccup is that I’m not sure they actually plan on releasing him, and I’m working with the Justice Department to secure his return to the States, but they said that matter is ‘Extremely low priority.’”
El Salvador President Nayib Bukele welcomed more Americans and people from around the world to stay at his prison.
“I’ve created the best prison system in the world and it’s made my country so much safer. We are willing to take felons from across the world and stuff them in cells for a price, we will even take people who haven’t committed crimes, we don’t discriminate when the price is right. Our guards are the most blood thirsty men I could find and their fists are primed to knock out some teeth,” said President Bukele. “I want to thank President Trump for being so indiscriminate with the people he sends us, and my promise to the American people is you will never hear from anyone shipped here again.”
At press time, Fowler was presumed dead and buried in one of the countless mass graves outside of the facility.