DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local Submissive Seventh fan and total dweeb Derek Maldonado reportedly threw away any remaining ounce of self-respect he had after asking the band’s primary songwriter and his personal hero for an autograph, sources too embarrassed to be seen in the same room as him confirmed.
“Getting to meet the man that changed my life and having him sign the vinyl I brought from home is something I’ll forever cherish,” said Maldonado, making absolutely no effort to hide his tears. “Marcus Shannon’s words have meant everything to me ever since I saw that Naruto AMV set to Seventh’s classic ‘Imperfect Cadence for a Perfect You’ and I’m so happy that I got to share that with him. I just wish I knew why everyone’s rolling their eyes at me right now.”
Friend and fellow concertgoer Jarrett Nash could barely keep from vomiting at the sight.
“This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Derek perform some master-level gagfest,” said Nash, doing his best to appear as disinterested as possible despite being backstage with the band. “Like, the guy remembers my birthday every year and regularly lets me and the boys know he loves us. Already some heinous dork-ass behavior, you know what I mean? But this is simply too much. Because yeah, the $200 VIP package was worth it to be able to breathe the same air as Marcus and maybe get some of his sweat on my face, but I’m not about to ask him for a signature and let him know I’m a fan or anything because that shit’d just be embarrassing.”
Dr. Sandra Woodard, former psychologist and expert in treating loser tendencies, reflects on her difficulties working with Maldonado.
“I used to think that I could fix anyone, but I’ve since come to the conclusion that some people are impossible to cure,” said Woodard. “I’m happy with what little progress I made with Derek over the past few years, but each success was followed by two new setbacks, like a godless hydra made of stacking the plates for your waitress and leaving bottles of water out for the mailman. After failing to teach him to not clap during the end credits at the movie theater, I figured it was time to cut our losses. This doofus even shook my hand and thanked me for everything at our last appointment. May history forgive us.”
At press time, Maldonado was seen trying to have a genuine conversation with the merch guy.