ARKANSAS CITY, Kan. — A self-described “well-regulated militia” that formed to combat governmental tyranny and oppression couldn’t wait to welcome out-of-state police and National Guard soldiers into their compound to provide munitions, logistical information, and pizza, confirmed sources.
“It’s like something out of a Kevin Sorbo movie, man, I tell you what!” said militia leader Robert “Super Sentinel” Davis as real-life cops and soldiers poured into the sleeping town he’d sworn to protect from any-and-all government overreach. “I mean I frequently bragged I’d snipe anything with a badge from 300 yards from 2008-2016, and then coincidentally again from 2020-2024, but once you actually see how cool the badges are and their methods for decking US citizens who are just minding their own business, you can’t help but be impressed!”
Captain Jeffery Stevenson, a guardsman for 10 years, was hardly surprised by the welcoming he and his actual soldiers received.
“Oh yeah, these guys? They’re the real frontline in the war on domestic terror,” said Stevenson, almost getting the entire talking-point out without chuckling. “Sorry, it’s just that you spend so long thinking ‘what if,’ you know? ‘What if one of these well-armed, clearly unstable anti-government groups actually tried something?’ and then you literally march into their town and they greet you with literal cookies and milk. I mean look at this, these are snickerdoodles WITH chocolate ribbons, I’ve honestly never felt more welcomed in a community!”
Not everyone was thrilled with the increased presence of police and military forces in the small, backwater town, such as retired professor of American History Mary Tate.
“Robert and his little crew have been getting thrown out of bars for 20 years, they’re a bit much for even the locals ’round these parts. Do you have any idea how much you need to push it to get kicked out of Applebee’s?” said Tate. “But I’m sure now that he’s got a tinstar badge and carte blanche to hassle folk at random, he won’t go totally mad with the tiny amount of power and start to see himself as some kind of judge, jury, and executioner. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt all this time studying American history, it’s that people who crave power always know when they have enough.”
At press time, Davis stated that he and his crew were still on guard and ready to take down any college students peacefully protesting.
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