NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of a stainless steel cambro instead of streaming Spotify through an actual speaker, frustrated sources with tinnitus confirmed.
“This is audio fidelity at its purest,” stated Powell while scrolling through his TIDAL playlists wearing a nitrile glove to avoid cutting his fingers on the screen. “I will not settle for Spotify’s juvenile bitrate when there are superior options. We’re supposed to whistle while we work, and you expect me to do that without the highest quality FLAC files that streaming has to offer? It’s not my fault that bluetooth doesn’t work on my phone anymore, and I’ll be damned if one of the other guys takes over DJ duties during my dinner rush.”
Coworker Eric Lester is at his breaking point because Powell’s setup only adds more unnecessary noise to an already chaotic environment.
“If I have to endure another fucking ‘Coheed & Cambro’ power hour I’m going to leave the hospitality industry entirely,” lamented Lester, while unwittingly dumping a pile of freshly diced shallots onto his coworker’s iPhone. “He’ll go on these rants about how the deeper metal containers cut through the sound of the vent hood better because of their superior midrange, but it all sounds like a shrill echo that’s the entire reason I have to sleep with a fan on every night. We could all easily just use my JBL speaker and Spotify, but when Gerry’s on the clock he’ll just start sharpening his knives with this ‘don’t even fucking try’ look on his face.”
Audiologist Janice Henry weighs in on the entire situation and comes up with a healthy compromise.
“Long gone are the days of the 128-slot CD booklet, and I think it’s high time that kitchen staffs bring this practice back,” suggested Henry in no uncertain terms. “What you lose in variety comes back tenfold in audio quality, and the camaraderie built around roasting your coworker about the content of their unlabeled mix is the best kind of morale booster you could ask for in this kind of situation. The only other option is for somebody else to subscribe to a different service, but without the year-end wrap up that’s a huge ask.”
At press time, Powell was spotted rolling a vintage phonograph into the kitchen with a hand truck.