WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem revealed that she shot a department watchdog in the face simply because she didn’t like them, Congressional aides have confirmed.
“I hated that Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties watchdog. I tried getting him to hunt down Hispanic people to ship off to El Salvador, but all he ever did was bitch at me about violating due process, so I took him with me to the Mexican border and I shot him. Sometimes workforce reduction is messy and ugly, get over it,” said Noem. “I hoped making him work alongside MAGA coworkers would help him calm down over me ignoring SCOTUS court orders but he clearly was untrainable, so I had to put two slugs in his head. Growing up, this is just how we took care of independent investigators who wouldn’t fall in line with the President’s agenda.”
Morale among the other OCRLC investigators was at an all time low after their coworker’s fate.
“I can’t believe she shot Hopper! All he did was recommend not using taxpayer money to buy ICE outfits for performative photo shoots, and the next day he’s face down in a gravel pit at the border. Sure, he had a big personality but when you’re in the business of ensuring human rights aren’t being violated you need to call out your superiors for not doing their jobs correctly,” said Jack Hendrickson. “She walks around our building with a hunting rifle over her shoulder, and if we complain about rounding up green card holders or forget to compliment her latest plastic surgery, she’ll ‘habeas corpus us into early retirement’ as she puts it.”
Delegates at the United Nations held an emergency meeting to discuss protecting vulnerable watchdogs.
“We have seen the crackdowns against watchdogs in declining republics across the world, and we encourage these governments to either comply with oversight agencies or relinquish their investigators to our ‘no kill’ facility where they can receive the care they need,” said French UN ambassador Jean Liville. “We know it’s hard for autocracies to coexist with people who only want to prevent their countries from sliding into fascist hellscapes, so we ask those leaders to let us rehome their watchdogs to countries that still value integrity and practice democracy.”
As of press time, Secretary Noem told the panel she wouldn’t shoot watchdogs going forward, opting to humanely euthanize them via gas chamber instead.