MORRISTOWN, N.J. — Local kid brother Mark Walsh claimed his life is “over” last week after his older brother Andrew was gifted a guitar that will inevitably lead to the younger Walsh becoming a lowly bassist, sources close to the downtrodden elementary schooler confirmed.
“I always assumed fate was a bunch of hooey and I could be anything I wanted… that is, until Andrew got a Squier Stratocaster for his birthday,” said a resigned Mark. “Any day now, he’s going to come to me and say, ‘Learn bass or I’ll fucking kill you.’ It’s inevitable. I suppose none of us really have a choice regarding being born, how we’ll die, or whether or not we’ll be roped into becoming a dorky-ass bassist. So it goes.”
Their mother, Dr. Anne Walsh, noticed an immediate change in her youngest son days after Andrew got his guitar.
“Mark had been depressed since Andrew’s birthday, and he finally admitted it was because Andrew got a guitar — he cried that bassists are always the butts of jokes, and never write the good songs, or get girlfriends. I told him that wasn’t true… which is obviously a lie. But I figured this is just a little white lie. Like Santa Claus,” said Dr. Walsh. “I tried to console him by reminding him that Flea and Les Claypool are bassists, but that just made him cry even harder.”
Professional kid brother musician Tommy Stinson knows Mark’s pain all too well, having been forced to learn bass in joining The Replacements.
“It’s proven that 96% of all bassists are kid brothers with older brother guitarists — the other 4% are guys who joined the group late after they already had guitarists. That’s why I started a support group: Little Brother Bassists Anonymous,” said Stinson. “Our mantra is, ‘Just because we play bass, doesn’t mean we’re just bassists.’ It’s important for bass players to believe they can still live fulfilling — and even happy — lives.”
When reached for further comment, however, Stinson refused to answer whether any of that is actually true.