LOS ANGELES — Garment company JNCO says renewed interest in their extra-wide legged jeans could result in a devastating shortage of denim, wallet-chain wearing sources confirm.
“We haven’t seen orders like this since the late ‘90s,” said JNCO VP of sales Richard Turnbull. “There was a time when it looked like we’d have to close our doors, but suddenly Gen Z discovered System of a Down and we’ve been going gangbusters ever since. Now we’re on the verge of running out of material as our signature pants require 20 times the amount of denim per unit as a regular pair of jeans. The federal government has complied with our request to tap into the Strategic Denim Reserve, which was established to mitigate such disruptions or shortages. It’s certainly helping, but will it be enough to satisfy demand?”
22-year old nu metal fan Alexis Domingo says she’ll be devastated if JNCOs become impossible to get.
“I’m not going to buy Temu knock-offs—I want the real thing,” said Domingo while binge-watching camcorder videos of ‘90s skaters in huge jeans. “I see some chumps buying Kevin Smith pants from big and tall stores and cinching their belts super tight, but it’s not the same. It looks like shit and comes off as desperate. I’m saving up to get my first JNCOs soon. But now I’m hearing rumors about shortages and denim rationing. I just can’t show up to a Korn show in skinny jeans.”
Department of Commerce Press Secretary Charlie Andrews stresses the importance of the US maintaining primacy in the global denim market.
“Since the invention of the humble blue jean, domestic denim manufacturing has been intrinsically linked to the United States’ identity as the vanguard of freedom itself,” said Andrews. “Jeans are an indelible symbol of America’s spirit of individualism and liberty. While the federal government does not condone the attitudes expressed in so-called ‘nu metal’ music, we cannot deny the genre’s uniquely American expression of fierce independence. Rest assured, we will be subsidizing increased denim production to ensure the reserve is not exhausted. God help us all if China steps in and gets a foothold in the giant jeans market. ”
At press time, Domingo had finally acquired a pair of JNCOs, but was reportedly ejected from a Limp Bizkit concert after using the pants to smuggle several cartoonishly-long hoagies and a three-foot bong into the venue.