WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance mistakenly gifted his wife Usha Vance a Valentine’s Day card that was meant for his living room couch, confirmed sources.
“Boy, is there egg on my face,” said the Vice President. “Usha was crying, screaming something about how this kind of shit was supposed to be over after we got rid of the futon. It’s hard enough making eye contact when we’re in a furniture store and now this. I mean, I did actually get here a card with ‘to wife’ written on it, as well as a half eaten box of chocolates. Sorry, I get hungry during my three-hour shift at the office sometimes. Classic mixup!”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt attempted to deflect the story.
“Everyone knows that JD has always adoringly addressed Usha, especially on cards, as his ‘Sweet Setee’ and for the demon-crats to try to spin another fake news Epstein-esque hoax is blasphemously lying in the face of God and his son Donald J. Trump,” said Leavitt. “First, stain-proof throw pillows might be the most romantic gift I ever heard of! Second, nobody thinks it’s weird to give your wife perfume but somehow exotic scented bottles of Febreze is strange? Grow up.”
Drew Allmond, a representative of Wayfair who has worked with Vice President Vance in furnishing multiple homes over the past few years, reached out to quell any rumors.
“When Mr. Vance requested a couch for his office he did it in a totally normal way. He didn’t make crude remarks like ‘that sexy sitter is so bad she should be on page 69.’ He never asked if we had ‘any thicc ottomans that would be fit for the spank bank of the world’s most powerful number two.’ Ya know, just like any normal customer he told us ‘give me a couch that’s good for normal couch stuff and not there to be fuck buddies or for me to fall head over heels in love with.’ It was a very normal sale.”
At press time, Vance sent an apology card that was meant for Usha but has been accidentally delivered to the cell holding former Venezuelan president, Nicolas Maduro.
