NABLUS, Palestine — Israeli settlers who are illegally stealing land from Palestinians in the occupied West Bank are urging U.S. lawmakers to ship any smallpox-infected blankets they have in storage to them immediately, sources confirmed.
“You can learn a lot about how to dehumanize and exterminate people by looking at the recent history of the United States. They did an excellent job at eliminating entire populations, and then corralling anyone left into undesirable land with no natural resources,” said Israeli settler Lavi Edri. “We don’t even need a lot of the smallpox blankets. We just need a few boxes. The people here have no immune defense against the virus, so it should tear right through them. Then my family and I can move right into their house. It’s so simple. We will just have to burn some of their belongings in the street out front, but that’s easy.”
Palestinians fighting against Israeli occupation worry that the requests of the settlers might be met.
“Governments around the world are sitting on their hands doing nothing as Israel starves an entire nation in front of their eyes, so why wouldn’t they offer a cheap and effective way to kill us? I know biological warfare is against the Geneva Convention, but they have no problem violating those terms,” said Mohmmaed Al Najjar. “Maybe we will get lucky, maybe those blankets aren’t as effective 250 years later. But they would probably spray them with some new super strain of the virus anyway. Shit.”
Benjamin Netanyahu encouraged President Trump to send the blankets with the next delivery of artillery.
“As much as we love American bombs killing Palestinians, we also love American diseases killing them. Please President Trump, use your giant brain and send us all the smallpox you can. Spray it on American flags and we will distribute them to all Palestinians living on occupied land so they can know how dominant America is,” said the Prime Minister. “We cannot wait to have our own Trail of Tears which we will call the Trail of Triumph for all the people of Israel. Our brave settlers will be able to watch people march to their own death and it will be a great honor to have America leading the way.”
At press time, RFK Jr. was seen personally ingesting the last few smallpox cultures being stored at the CDC.