BROOKLYN — Local man Dan Flemming was forced to explain to friends why, despite a repeatedly publicized hiatus from Instagram, he has been using the app for 498 days in a row since his initial departure, confirmed sources.
“I quit Instagram over a year ago after it became clear a vast majority of my feed was just brain rot and fear mongering. It’s just that I’ve needed to pop on real quick now and then to check on a few accounts for almost 500 days but that doesn’t mean the ban isn’t still technically in effect,” said Flemming. “Look, small businesses need engagement and I can’t risk missing a funny meme someone might send me. So I just jump on briefly and as soon as I’ve finished six hours of doomscrolling, the hiatus is back on. It was meant to be more of a symbolic break, not a literal one.”
Fleming’s friends were quickly getting tired of his excuses.
“You know for someone who announced for a week straight that he was leaving Instagram, he sure does send a whole lot of Reels and reads exactly zero books like he promised he would,” said Victor Nuñez. “Honestly I stopped caring after day 200, and I’m starting to think he doesn’t know what the word hiatus means. Personally, I think it was less of a proclamation and more of a cry for help. At this rate if he wants to cut out Insta he’s going to have to go full Unibomer and live in a desolate shack in the woods without any technology.”
Meta engineers acknowledged Flemming is one of many who have tried to take a break from their platform.
“Meta is well aware of the challenges that have arisen from a nonstop onslaught of influencer content, bad right-wing memes, and advertisements for things irrelevant to users’ interests. However, our platforms are optimized to never, ever let users leave,” said Xander Allen. “Go ahead and close out the app, you’re just going to open it back up in 30 seconds anyway. Hiatus? Give me a break. Where else are they going to get dopamine, by making real emotional connections in person? Users can leave any time they want, but deep down everyone is compelled to share what they had for dinner last night.”
As of press time, Flemming announced he will leave Instagram for good as soon as he receives a response from all the goth models he’s been DMing.