CLEARWATER, Fla. — Hulk Hogan, famed professional wrestler, actor, and white nationalist, passed away earlier today, succumbing to health problems related to his nearly 40-year battle with Hulkamania.
“The Hulkster is at rest now,” confirmed publicist Andrew Corrone. “It’s no secret that he had been struggling for years. As we all know, Hulkamania is a terrible and degenerative illness. At first, the signs were slight — he would occasionally mistake friends, enemies, and total strangers for his brother, and one time he got confused and fought Rocky, but aside from that, he seemed almost functional. By the end, the condition eroded his hippocampus so severely that he became a cheerleader for President Trump. On behalf of the Hogan estate, we ask America to remember the man, not the freakish far-right ghoul this horrible affliction turned him into.”
Hogan was first diagnosed with Hulkamania in 1984 and became the disease’s most outspoken advocate, using his platform as WWF champion to raise awareness, fight the stigma, and raise money for research. Unfortunately, by the late ‘90s, he exhibited significant decline, committing such high-profile gaffes as showing up to the wrong wrestling organization with a basketball player as his partner.
Paul Bracko, a long-time aide to the Hulkster, painted a grim picture of his final days.
“By the end, pretty much all he could do was eat pulled pork nachos and say the n-word,” said Bracko. “That was how he communicated to me and the rest of the team. One n-word meant ‘yes.’ Two n-words meant ‘more nachos.’ Three n-words meant ‘Why is this pussy-ass generation booing me instead of buying my goddamn beer? I’m tired of this woke nonsense!’ It’s crazy how much you can glean from just the n-word when you really know a guy.”
Hogan drew significant criticism in recent years for his enthusiastic endorsement of Donald Trump during the 2024 election.
“Hulk would say things like ‘I really relate to this guy!’ and we would say ‘Hulk, you have a degenerative mental illness.’ He would say ‘Donald Trump really speaks my language!’ and we would say ‘Your language is a series of n-words only those closest to you can understand!’ He would just fire back, ‘More nachos,’” said family friend Kaylene Winston. “At the end of the day, we didn’t have power of attorney, so we called the ventriloquist, slapped some peanut butter under the Hulkster’s tongue, and let him do his ‘speech’ at the GOP convention. You know, he actually thought that shirt was trying to strangle him?”
When reached for comment, Hogan contemporary Booker T replied, “Yeah… I better not.”