ATLANTA — Hooters announced that it would be closing dozens of stores nationwide as part of a bankruptcy restructuring plan, as their customer base has shrunk due to the younger generation of men preferring to ogle less commercialized titties, confirmed sources.
“Year after year, Hooters has tirelessly climbed mountain after mountain to become bigger, better, and bouncier,” said Hooters spokesman Gregory Hill, noting that while the closures were less than ideal, the company was already looking to the future as the brand becomes less encumbered. “It’s true that our foot traffic has gone down now that you can merely gaze at breasts from the convenience of your own phone. But we’re not giving up. We’re going to meet young men where they are with the launch of our new subscription-based app, OnlyHoots. And we’re planning to accept Bitcoin for wing purchases.”
Young men, however, remain uninterested in Hooters’ attempts to gain their business, stating that they don’t feel the company truly has a grasp on today’s modern bazonga goggling.
“I’m simply not interested in paying $40 for a mediocre meal just so I can leer at tig ol’ bitties in a chain store,” said Aiden Howard, a college senior. “Personally, I’d rather have a more unique, local experience. There are tons of fantastic spots out there that brew their own IPAs, have a farm to table menu, and feature buxom servers. I’d like things to be a bit more subtle, you know? Let my friends and I waggle our eyebrows at each other over some nice looking chi-chis as the gal turns around and walks away. Let one of us order a glass of ‘mommy’ milk as a joke. Let me post a selfie with her and put it on Insta with a couple melon emojis.”
Older, more frequent Hooters patrons remain disappointed and upset by the closures.
“Hooters has been my go-to every Friday after work for the past 25 years,” said 56-year-old regular Paul Wilson. “Now they’re closing up shop over by my office because the kids these days are all gay, I guess. They spend all their time on their phones and they probably think the government should give them gazoons to look at for free. Now we’re the ones suffering because of it. What am I supposed to do on Friday nights now? Go home and talk to my wife?”
At press time, Wilson was spotted leaning on his Toyota Camry in the Hooters parking lot, hoping to get one last look at some boobies before the restaurant closed for good.