BAGHDAD — Historians recently discovered a sternly worded document from Senator Chuck Schumer’s ancestor that amounted to a “tepid appeal” to the invading Mongols, asking them to listen to reason, sources at University of Baghdad confirm.
“The letter is dated just before the Mongolian siege of Baghdad in 1258,” said professor Ahmed Khazan. “After some genealogical research, I was able to track the author’s lineage. Imagine my surprise when I discovered his living relative to be US senator Chuck Schumer! The simpering message bears resemblance to Schumer’s own ineffectual contemporary pleas for restraint to Donald Trump. Schumer’s ancestor asked Khan and his approaching horde to ‘cool it’ and meet with tribal leaders for calm discussion to reach a compromise rather than sack the city.”
Senator Schumer says he’s not surprised that he’s related to the author of such a milquetoast letter.
“I come from a long line of cowards and capitulators. 23andMe’s words, not mine,” confessed Schumer while putting on a fresh pair of groveling kneepads. “The modern Schumers, just like our ancient relatives, are a very nonconfrontational family. It turns out it can be quite lucrative to pander to your base and make performative challenges to power while surreptitiously working to sustain the status quo. We like to play both sides, as it were. My ancestor actually opened the city gate for the Mongol horde when it was clear his feeble pleading wouldn’t work, a move that spared him his life. I wouldn’t be here today if that man hadn’t been such a colossal milksop.”
Evolutionary biologist Henry Slesar asserts that cowardice is an important but lesser-known survival trait.
“When people think of ‘survival of the fittest,’ they think of offensive traits such as fangs and claws, or defenses like hard shells and spikes,” said Slesar. “But cowardice is another powerful defensive tactic. Cowards use their guile and cunning to weasel their way out of jams, ensuring that they live another day, thus increasing their chances of reproduction and passing on their genetic material. This is different from a gazelle, which uses speed to evade danger. Cowards use their wits to escape harm, even sometimes by offering up another victim in their place to the predator in order to save themselves.”
At press time, newly translated texts show that Schumer’s ancestor lived through the siege of Baghdad and subsequently went on a profitable tour promoting his new scroll, which documented his “heroic survival story.”
