APPLETON, Wisc. — Local seasonal retail giant Ghouls Depot is reportedly already playing Christmas music over their sound system despite Halloween not yet technically over, sources who thought it was way too early confirmed.
“I enjoy the holiday spirit just as much as the next guy, but only when I deem it to be the absolute appropriate time of year and not a minute sooner,” said customer Blake Cody while doing some last-minute Halloween costume shopping. “As we all know Christmas music should start no earlier than the second Tuesday in December but no later than the Friday before the 25th, and it should end on December 28 at exactly noon. Isn’t that common knowledge? Plus, this is a Halloween store. I want to hear ‘Monster Mash’ and random spooky piano music while perusing the political figures and cultural icons costumes aisle. And while ‘It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas’ is a nice song and all, it just doesn’t have the same effect when I’m deciding between a bloody severed head decoration or zombie brain party favors.”
The Halloween superstore’s manager Helen Shambly didn’t really see the big deal.
“This store turns into one of those Christmas-exclusive retailers at the stroke of midnight on Halloween night, so we’re just getting a head start on the transition,” said Shambly. “Besides, today is Halloween which means Halloween is officially over and we can focus on the next commercially-viable holiday, and that is Jesus’ birthday. Sure, we’ve gotten nothing but complaints from shoppers all day about the festive music choices, but give it a few weeks and they’ll still be complaining that it’s too early to hear these songs. Complaining about holiday music starting too early is what Christmas is all about.”
Experts noted that these sorts of retail tactics weren’t terribly new.
“Just like how climate change is causing seasons to start earlier and earlier, capitalism is causing Christmas music to begin early too,” said economist Nancy Howles. “I once heard of a Toyota dealership that started playing Christmas music during their Labor Day extravaganza event. Hell, even Mattress Depot started playing it as early as their Presidents’ Day sale, which is in February. It’s like they think people will get into the purchasing spirit the minute they hear ‘Deck the Halls.’ They’re not wrong.”
At press time, Ghouls Depot compromised with disgruntled customers by playing Christmas and Halloween-themed music simultaneously over the PA.