FRESNO, Calif. — Local man Brett Motts recently monopolized the final 22 seconds of a mutual copulation exchange, reiterating repeatedly the nearness of his approaching orgasm, confirmed sources.
“I mean, I’m used to guys going on and on about themselves and their interests, but listening to someone repeat the same thing over and over while they’re on top of you is exhausting,” said romantic partner Kerry Dolce. “He told me he was going to cum like eight times. Talk about mansplaining. I’m not dumb, you don’t have to keep reminding me. He even cried out to Jesus Christ at one point. I’m fairly agnostic but how about we keep Christian theology out of this.”
Motts attempted to stay humble about the situation.
“Perhaps I did go a little overboard with my repeated proclamations about my inevitable climax, but honestly it’s all I could think about at the time. It’s like it just took me over,” pleaded an embarrassed Motts. “For a second there I nearly went on my phone to post about how I was going to cum, I just needed everyone to know. I even forgot about my student debt for a minute. I’m not sure what came over me. I have no idea where the term, ‘blowin’ mad jars of oyster gak’ even came from.”
Sex expert Dr. Julia Gibbings of the Kinsey Institute of Indiana weighed in on the situation.
“Though excessive talk about one’s own state can often be taken as a narcissist trait, it’s actually fairly normal for the male to want to discuss nothing else in the moments leading up to the orgasm,” explained Dr. Gibbings. “We have conducted multiple studies where we try and indulge men in their favorite subjects just as ejaculation approaches, and as surprising as it is, they would rather discuss cumming over World War II, Tarentino films, or even their favorite Simpsons quotes. We even tried to provoke one test subject by insisting The Special Editions of Star Wars were the superior versions. He barely even noticed enough to argue.”
At press time, it became clear, through repeated assertions, that Motts was again, “going to cum like a package of coconut-flavored Gushers.”
