TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – A ghost present while several tweens were playing with a ouija board became pretty freaked out after the thingy moved without his intervention, multiple giggling sources confirmed.
“I’m not going to be mad, I just want to know who did it,” moaned the mildly shaken, amorphous spirit. “I know I didn’t move the lil’ slidey piece and Isabella, Sophia, Emma, Emma S., and Emma J. all say they didn’t move it, so one of these little shits has to be a liar. Because if they didn’t do it, and I didn’t do it, that’s fucked up, and I don’t like it.”
Tension was temporarily broken when Claire Dublois, the host’s mother who had been keeping an eye on the group, announced that dinner would be there soon.
“I thought it would be fun to sit down with the girls for a minute, ask the ouija board what it thought dinner was going to be, and then push the spooky puck around to spell out p-i-z-z-a,” Dublois explained. “The girls groaned at my joke, of course. But then there was an unsettling gust of cold air and I swear I sensed this anxious, gullible presence in the room. As if there was an increasingly nervous idiot sitting right there with us. Certainly in the Halloween spirit!”
Jimmy Barnett, the pizza delivery guy, was able to catch a glimpse of the phenomena firsthand.
“I was so fucking high when I delivered their pizza that I swear I could see some kind of knockoff Casper floating around those kids,” Chasford recalled, shivering. “They asked the ouija board to tell them who was going to bring them to the dance, and as that doodad spelled out the names, the girls squealed, and the creepy ghost motherfucker started having a full goddamn meltdown. He was clearly way more scared than they were. Who knows what he would have done if i had told him about the poltergeist I saw rolling its eyes right behind him.”
At press time, the ghost was having a panic attack when the group of 13-year-old-girls decided to play “light as a feather, stiff as a board.”