WARWICK, R.I. — Amanda Martinez, a 26-year-old known for always being prepared, unknowingly became the primary care physician for her group of underemployed friends, according to sources close to the situation.
“We all rely on Amanda,” said Tyler Morris, a former factory worker who has struggled with joint pain since being laid off from his job. “I thought I was doomed to chronic pain ever since I tore my rotator cuff, but now I just call Amanda. She always has a jar of Tiger Balm on her. She doesn’t realize it, but she’s also technically my PT. Ever since I got kicked off my parents’ insurance, instead of an insurance card in my wallet in case of emergencies, I have a card saying ‘No ambulance.’”
Martinez, who carries a well-stocked fanny pack at all times, remains unaware of her unofficial role.
“I just want to make sure I’m ready if anything comes up,” she explained while rummaging through her pack. “I’ve got Band-Aids, Advil, maybe some alcohol wipes. But I don’t understand why everyone has my number memorized. And my friends all tend to come to me when they have problems, maybe because I’m such a Virgo. Which I don’t mind because I love to listen,” Martinez continued, alluding to a trait that has made her the unwitting therapist of the group.
Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has noted the growing reliance on friends like Martinez.
“Sixty percent of the American healthcare system is now sustained by friends with who took a few first-aid classes in high school and like to carry ointments,” he said. “According to the latest data, most hospital intake forms increasingly include Amanda Martinez’s contact information. Most Americans are one empty pouch away from medical ruin. This is a deeply precarious situation that needs to be addressed as soon as our wealthy donor class allows us.”
At press time, a lobby of insurance giants led by UnitedHealth Group was reportedly moving to shut down rural hospitals in favor of a new cost-saving initiative: replacing them with Fanny Pack Friends (FPF), a move expected to eliminate thousands of medical jobs nationwide.