NEW ORLEANS — A weekly Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting was recently attended by all three former members of the band Cyanide Churro, who individually arrived hoping to address their drinking problems brought on by working with the other two.
“This is supposed to be anonymous,” said vocalist and bassist Kate Bernard. “So I guess I need to pretend I haven’t passed out naked with two other people here. I know that John has a kidney-shaped birthmark on his left buttcheek, for God’s sake. At one point, I stood up and threatened to bitch-slap Dave over an incident we had at this bar called Genteman Rodney’s. And then I had to immediately sit back down and say: ‘No. I do not know this person. We have never met.’ But I have met Dave I see him three times a week at least. And he knows what he did.”
The band, whose sound was described as “lo-fi-dixieland-space-swamp-cow-punk,” sent shockwaves of moderate disappointment through the hearts of a few online fans when it dissolved earlier this year.
“If you’d been there, you’d be a drunk too,” said lead guitarist John Corbeau. “It was all this constant bickering of ‘whose apartment do we rehearse in today?’ And ‘whose spouse is gonna man the merch table at the coffee shop tonight?’ Or ‘who begs their parents to fund our music video?’ It was exhausting. And when we weren’t fighting or working our day jobs, we were competing sexually. I don’t think any of us had a choice but to get shit-faced twenty-four-seven. Music’s hard. And frankly, not worth it.”
Though tensions were high between the Cyanide Churro members, perhaps no one suffered more than the regularly attending AA members who were just trying to get a hold on their sobriety.
“I’ve noticed that John, Dave and Kate bring a certain energy to the room when they attend meetings,” said group chair Matt Zubrowski. “A lot of cold glances and angry mutterings. A lot of snide laughter and throat clearings when one of them is sharing their stories. I know it’s redundant to say this here, but it’s a real buzz-kill. Some of us actually fell into alcoholism for reasons other than being trust fund kids in some sort of throuple.”
At press time, the former members of Cyanide Churro were avoiding eye contact as they walked to their cars, each blissfully unaware they will also run into each other at the same Sexaholics and Debtors Anonymous meetings later this week.