COLTS NECK, N.J. — Local eighth grader Steve McKenzie was confused and disillusioned last week when his first kiss at last night’s school dance did not immediately escalate into a hardcore fuckfest, as the pornography he’s played on constant rotation suggested, fellow classmates reported.
“When Julie asked me to dance, I’ll admit I was already rocking a semi — but if the hours upon hours of porn I’ve watched have taught me anything, it’s to play it cool,” said McKenzie, visibly sweating and pacing in the boys bathroom after. “In the middle of the song, she leaned in and kissed me… but then, like, that was it! Like, what was I supposed to do with my hands? When was I supposed to grab her ass, and why didn’t she ever grab my dick? I felt this sneaking suspicion that porn lied to me.”
McKenzie was not the only one reeling from dashed expectations, as his dance partner and secret admirer Julie Jones also saw the night playing out differently.
“At the first slow song, I asked [McKenzie] if he wanted to dance, and my heart nearly exploded when he said yes,” Jones said. “I kissed him in the middle of ‘Ransom,’ and it was perfect… but then he started asking if I ‘like that.’ I didn’t think I was projecting vibes that would lead him to ask if I’d blow him behind the gym bleachers. Plus, like… what the hell is a ‘full nelson?’”
The awkward encounter did not go unnoticed by their fellow peers — in particular, referring to McKenzie’s inability to act like a normal human being.
“Oh my God. Steve is such a dumbass: he honestly told me he thought Julie would just tear his clothes off and fuck him while we just all went about our night, avoiding eye contact,” said classmate Jack Boyle. “I like the guy, but maybe if he actually took the time to speak to girls and not be on his phone, burning through his family’s data plan while jacking it in the bathroom, he would’ve stood a chance.”
At press time, it was learned that Jones gave McKenzie a second chance a few days later, only to be disappointed yet again as porn led her to believe that men knew where to find the clitoris.