PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Feeld users are calling it nothing short of a miracle after a relationship between two people on the app somehow lasted an entire week, confirmed sources.
“I’m as surprised as anyone. It started as a simple Poly/ONS/kink-friendly/ENM/INFP thing. Pretty standard. Now I may have to learn her last name. I was so excited I called my nesting partner immediately,” said 34-year-old bartender, barber, and street artist Devin Mercer. ”Everyone keeps asking what our secret is. Honestly, I don’t know. We are both water signs, so that may be working in our favor. Or against. I can never remember. All I know is Cleo has really fulfilled me.”
Mercer’s partner, Chloe Thornton, said reaching the one-week mark has given her time to reflect on just how far they’ve come.
“It seems like forever ago when he pinged me with a Mountain Goats song quote. We were so young, and with a lot of work we’ve made it this far. I’ve seen him accomplish so much in our time together, like nearly completing a full week of work. If I hadn’t trained romantic feelings out of my brain, I could possibly see myself having some sort of emotion toward him,” said Thornton, clearing six push notifications from Feeld. “I actually thought we broke up Wednesday. He stopped texting around six, so obviously I assumed we were done. Turns out he was at a Shibari class. Huge misunderstanding. We laughed about it, and that brief moment of actual human connection somehow bought us another four days.”
Experts say seven days puts Mercer and his partner in largely uncharted territory.
“Usually by this point somebody has moved to Berlin, gotten back together with their ex, realized their primary partner is poly-insecure, or sent a six-paragraph text about having ‘limited bandwidth,’” said relationship researcher Dr. Elaine Foster. “For two Feeld users to simply continue liking each other is honestly terrifying and will probably end Feeld as we know it. At this point you might as well be over on Tinder with all the brunch and paddleboard assholes.”
At press time, Mercer confirmed the relationship had ended after his partner said she was “really trying to be more intentional with her energy right now,” then changed her profile photos.
