PHOENIX, Ariz. — A somber Erika Kirk took a quiet, personal moment to mourn her late husband with only six confetti cannons, confirmed sources.
“I miss Charlie every day,” said a widely smiling Kirk as children with sparklers ran about her, tossing flowers. “Sometimes it helps to take a while for myself to think about the life and death of my husband accompanied by a string quartet instead of a complete marching band. I still remember my husband’s last wish, besides wishing that there was more gang violence to confuse mass shooting statistics. He said to me, ‘Erika, if I ever die in the most ironic way humanly possible, please mourn me as if you were giving a motivational speech to a Fortune 500 company.’”
While Mrs. Kirk was wiping a single tear out of her White Walker eyes, she was supported by a caring friend.
“What’s most important is that when she gets over him, I’ll be here for her,” said Vice President of the United States and human bobble-head JD Vance. “All my life I’ve watched as the cool jocks like Charlie Kirk and Donald Trump get the girls, and now I have a chance to swoop in and maybe get a kiss or a hug from Erika. She’s so cute, I love that she hates the same people I do and has no discernible human emotions. She lets me touch her on stage, but then when I try to take her out for a soda pop after, she gives me the cold shoulder and talks to the stage manager about pyrotechnics. I wish my wife was dead.”
Although Mrs. Kirk’s public bereavement over her husband has drawn criticism, experts in mourning indicate it is entirely normal.
“This behavior is totally fine and expected among raging psychopaths,” said grief expert Dr. Sanjay Patel. “Most people will stay at home with their children and mourn privately, but if you’re an insane person without compassion, you’ll see your husband’s death as the perfect opportunity to thrust yourself into the limelight. It’s a totally natural grieving process, which specifically includes denial, anger, bargaining, backup dancers while you give a speech about immigrants, a speaking tour, merchandise selling, depression, and acceptance.”
When reached for further comment, Mrs. Kirk glared into a camera for three minutes without blinking.
