NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Health officials working the medical tent at the popular Living Flesh Music Festival have confirmed reports of a full-blown outbreak of Dry Hump Rash rapidly spreading through the crowd of the three-day Christian music retreat.
“We were suddenly inundated with people who had terrible burning on their inner thighs, lower abdominals, and, um, the loins. They claimed it was from being baptized in the runoff behind the port-o-johns but the visible denim-imprints made it pretty obvious. It seems more than just the holy spirit was moving these teens,” said volunteer medic Brian Camden, while discreetly handing out anti-chafing cream. “The worst we usually get here is heatstroke and the occasional talking in tongues. We preach that any contact below the belt, even if it is covered, is a slippery slope to hell. That’s why we call these blisters, Satan’s Scales.”
Attendees of the concert, however, absolutely deny these allegations.
“I was only in my tent with that girl to pray with her because she was so upset about the Michael Tait allegations. The next thing you know we are both on fire. It was the devil, obviously. Our faith was just too strong and a demon tried to enter us through our Adam & Eve,” said 17-year-old attendee Connor B., holding an ice-filled Chick-fil-A to-go bag against his pelvis. “Thankfully, my youth pastor agreed to marry us during the Land of Uz performance. He said that was the only way to truly cast the demon out. That’s great actually, I’m almost 18 and I was beginning to think I’d never get married.”
Experts blame a dangerous combination of abstinence-only education and typical elevated music festival horniness.
“You can’t just gather thousands of hormonal teens together who believe masturbation is a sin, blast contemporary Christian rock, and let them rub up against one another in a pitiful excuse for a mosh pit — this was inevitable,” said Dr. Jenna Wexler, a public health official and former church camp counselor. “If you’re gonna preach abstinence, you can’t leave anyone unmarried unattended for more than 15 minutes. A purity ring isn’t powerful enough to stop homeschool kids being away from their parents for the first time.”
At press time, a youth group from Arkansas was asked to leave after a heavy petting orgy broke out in their tent which ignited a brush fire.