BOISE, Idaho — Local piece of shit Jesse Schweitzer was charged with impersonating a police officer after assaulting his entrapped girlfriend Denise Soderstrom, confirmed sources.
“His form was that of a 15-year veteran officer during a routine traffic stop,” said Officer Grady, responding to the call from a worried neighbor. “It was almost like I was the one who had been hitting her repeatedly, which is our go-to method for deescalating any situation. As law enforcement, the domestic abuse we can excuse. But doing it like one of us while not having the legal authority behind you to act with impunity? We can’t just overlook that. This behavior calls for a stern slap on the wrist.”
Schweitzer apologized profusely for impersonating a cop.
“I was just doing what felt natural to express my frustration that she didn’t do the dishes. What was I supposed to do?” Schweitzer said while being patted on the back and comforted by the arresting officer. “All this misplaced, pent-up rage inside me targeted Denise since she was the closest person to me at the time. I didn’t mean to impersonate a police officer, it just sort of happened. I thought I was dealing with it like any other thoughtful partner would. I’ll have to be more mindful of my technique next time. Probably didn’t help that I also used a baton and rubber bullets.”
Police Commissioner Ron Bronowski was more impressed than angry.
“It’s an open and closed case of law enforcement impersonation,” said Bronowski. “All the evidence points to the same exact pattern of unchecked violent escalation a real police officer would display when Mr. Schweitzer was mercilessly assailing his girlfriend. Misusing power dynamics to attack those who can’t defend themselves is clearly police behavior. After he serves his 14-day probation and takes a class on how to better conceal his actions, we’d actually like to offer Mr. Schweitzer a position on the force. He really reminds me of myself, he’s got potential! We could use more men like him.”
At press time, Officer Grady was letting Schweitzer hold his gun and play with the siren after spending a couple of hours hanging out together at the precinct.