WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team of DOGE teens used their unprecedented access to federal agencies to create their dream girl using the immense computing power of the US government, totally stoked sources confirmed.
“My RTX 4080-equipped laptop is great for playing ‘Path of Exile 2’ and ‘Roblox,’ but we needed a lot more power for this. Thankfully we have the government’s servers at our disposal, and if anyone tells me I can’t use them they will be arrested. This place is fire,” explained 19-year-old Edward “Big Balls” Coristine. “We scanned into the computer everything we could think of to create the perfect woman: pages from ‘Mein Kampf,’ ‘Atlas Shrugged,’ a picture of Kaitlin Bennett. Then we fed in some sheet music from Kanye West and Grimes. Topped off with the collective works of Libs of TikTok, and ‘Rick and Morty’ fan fic. Then my boys and I just wore my younger sister’s bras on our heads, hooked up the leads to Kasumi figurine, and voila, we had a flesh and blood woman we call MaXa.”
Elon Musk expressed his excitement for the beautiful, trad wife his goon squad conjured.
“I’m not, like, just making tech here. This is a super exciting innovation, you know, in the future of companionship. Pushing the boundaries of xAI. I have leveled up MaXa so much in such a short time; with just a little more hardcore grinding, I’ll have her at level 97 within the next couple of weeks,” said Musk while jumping around wildly. “Pretty soon, I’ll be able to put her in real, live sexual situations and see how she reacts. Real sick, demented shit. You’ll love it! Probably leave her breasts as-is, though. Anything bigger than a handful and you’re risking a sprained thumb.”
Not everyone is thrilled about the development, no matter how incredible the creation of a gorgeous, magical woman might be.
“Those teenage Great Gatsby cosplayers just marched into our offices and hijacked our computer systems,” complained US Department of Energy senior analyst Lisa Brockway. “Sorry the Shermer High bullies pantsed you in gym class, but that doesn’t give your statuesque supermodel the right to throw a rager in my office and turn my department head, Mr. Donnelly, into a talking pile of feces. I don’t care if the effects will wear off – they still need to clean up their Capri-Sun garbage.”
At press time, the DOGE crew was helping Donald Trump create his own, real version of his daughter Ivanka, but they forgot to connect the doll, and the electrodes were resting on a copy of the federal tax code.