RICHMOND — Local cyclist, Peter Williams, survived a collision with an unoccupied van parked on a heavily-trafficked street late this morning thanks to his bicycle helmet, which left him looking significantly dweeby throughout the entire ordeal.
“He’s very lucky, I feel like he wouldn’t have walked away from this accident if he hadn’t been wearing a helmet,” witness Melissa Morgan stated. “But, you know, it just kinda sucks how stupid he looked. I mean, my kids had to see his weird body fly over the hood of that van with that plastic helmet, like, clipped onto his head. How am I supposed to explain this to them? Surprise, kids! Here’s the world’s dumbest Evel Knievel incarnate? Ugh.”
The accident took place in front of Williams’s workplace, GWARBar, where he previously served as a bartender.
“Our bar may be covered in piss and blood, and we expect our staff to reflect those values when serving our devoted-by-chemical dependency customers,” stated the bar manager. “We all talked about it for no less than two minutes before coming to the unanimous decision to demote Williams to bar-back following the accident. Yeah, we’re glad he’s not seriously injured, but we just can’t have any dorky-ass, safety-first-looking motherfuckers being the face of our establishment. COVID hit us hard enough, no thanks.”
Once the crowd of bystanders composed themselves and stopped pointing and laughing, Williams was rushed to the hospital where doctors gave him a mostly clean bill of health.
“The doctor told me I’m physically ok, but it’s gonna take years to get over this social status trauma,” he said. “I don’t think it was totally necessary to include ‘Diagnosis: soft little baby body’ to my discharge report, but the nurses seemed to think so, so what can you do? I’m just glad I left my money belt at home today or I may have just had to drive into oncoming traffic by choice.”
Williams was last seen in his helmet unironically riding one of those stupid electronic scooters on a public sidewalk, probably to some dweeby adult baby store or something.