TOLEDO, Ohio — A local infant became the voice of the people as he wretched in discomfort and unleashed a harsh, ear-splitting wail reserved only for the skies, a sentiment that was shared across all passengers and crew, sources confirm.
“Listen, the kid was spot on,” shared witness Richard Halverson who was seated in the row behind the howling tot. “He looked right at me and spoke truth to power. I felt it in my bones. You know the day I’ve had? Flight cancelled out of Heathrow. Rerouted through Toronto. Luggage tracker shows it’s in Atlanta. And LA’s not even my destination, I’m trying to get to Dallas tonight! I can’t feel my body from the belt down because no leg room. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m sad. It just makes me want to cry, drool, and spit up some bile.”
Mother of the infant of interest, Susan Perry, impressively bounced her son on her knee and actively gesticulated, while bemoaning her lot.
“Oh, you think I wanted to be traveling with this screaming, colicky emotional terrorist? Of course not. My deadbeat husband forgot to coordinate childcare, so I got stuck taking him to my sister’s. This was supposed to be my one weekend to relax and read my fantasy book where the dragon is about to fuck the princess,” Perry lamented while shedding some tears. “I know I’m supposed to love this baby, and I do. I do. But I just miss when I could just stare out the window of a plane, headphones in, all alone with my thoughts. I had so many great thoughts. I don’t remember the last time I did that.”
Co-captain, Sean Whitley, confirmed the child’s tears even triggered a response in the aircraft’s cockpit.
“Yeah we heard it. That kid had some pipes on him. It just reminded me I’m missing my son’s birthday because United had me on call and booked me at the last minute for a long-haul because of delays in Memphis. I hate this job. Growing up, I always wanted to be a pilot, but I wish I’d done literally anything else,” Whitley said with a thousand-yard stare. “My son used to look at me and say, ‘Daddy, do airplane!’ And I’d put him on my back and pretend to lift off the ground like an airplane and zoom around the house, and we’d laugh and laugh. But he’s 17 now. I can tell he doesn’t respect me or admire me like he used to.”
At press time, the infant, deemed fight spokesperson, had a smooth landing and full diaper upon arrival.