PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Connor Thompson openly rejects the use of normal paper coffee filters and instead uses a dingy, faded Discharge patch off his old pants, confirmed sources that claim they are trying to cut back on coffee.
“One day I was drinking my morning cup of joe and I felt like I corporate scum. I thought to myself ‘this needs that dirty, smelly, rotten garbage taste that I remember from my early days dumpster diving at Sheetz,’” Thompson explained while adjusting his Varukers buttflap. “Now when I filter my morning coffee through my crusty old Discharge patch, it gives me enough energy and mental clarity that I could easily write three or four ‘Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothings’ before noon! Some of my friends say it’s unsanitary, and that when they drink a cup it makes them feel like their throat has scabies, but this is exactly how I like my coffee.”
Thompson’s longtime girlfriend Rachel Stevens is becoming less tolerant of the way her partner brews their morning fuel.
“To be blunt, our coffee at home tastes like how Stza Crack looks, and that isn’t good,” Stevens said. “I even suggested he maybe use something different, like a Ramones patch or something. But he insists it’s just not raw enough for his tastes. I don’t have the heart to tell him I hate it, so after he pours me a cup I usually dump it outside and grab Dunkin on my way to work. I’m not one to support ‘big coffee’ but goddamn, I can’t drink that diarrhea he brews morning after morning.”
Gastroenterologist Dr. Michael Azalea has 25 years of experience as a medical professional and believes Thompson’s bizarre filtering method could have long-term health effects.
“Well, like with anything else, using a smelly old cloth patch to filter coffee has its ups and downs,” Dr. Azalea explained. “On the one hand you’re saving money not buying filters once every two months, and on the other hand, you risk getting dysentery each morning with every sip you take. One would think the actual band on the patch wouldn’t matter, but I can recall one instance where a coffee shop used an Amebix patch to filter their house blend, and regular people, not punks, had a sudden urge to reject basic hygiene practices. It was truly bizarre.”
Thompson continues to find new uses for his patches and recently installed an old Axegrinder backpatch as an air filter for his 1994 Honda Civic.