WICHITA, Kan. — Local 62-year-old dad Carl Strungis reportedly spends hours glued to The History Channel, absorbing absolutely nothing except the vague sense that explosions are cool and America rules, sources who are asking if the TV can be turned down a little confirmed.
“I like to kick back in my recliner with a cold beer — not that woke Bud Light crap — and watch our boys blow stuff up,” Strungis said, adjusting his novelty eagle belt buckle. “I’m not too worried about why we went to war, what it cost, the devastating effects it has on our troops when they return, or anything like that. I just like the grainy footage of tanks rolling in and stuff going boom. They recently aired a documentary about the Vietnam War. I couldn’t follow any of it.”
Strungis’ adult children say that if he is going to spend so much time just sitting and watching The History Channel that he should at least have some take aways from it.
“I’m always trying to get him to see the parallels between the xenophobia that led to the rise of fascism in Nazi Germany and what is happening today in the U.S. but he’ll just say ‘Oh, look at those brave forces storming the beach at Normandy to kick those bad guys’ asses!” said daughter Lara Strungis. “Sometimes I’ll forward him articles from NPR or The New York Times that show how we are currently on the path to the same authoritarian style government that we fought against in WWII and he’ll just send back a meme of a bald eagle crying over a Dodge Ram.”
History Channel executive Michael Evans says they are aware their demographic doesn’t retain any of the information in what they watch and that they are planning changes to their programming to accommodate their audience.
“Our research shows 86% of our audience is over 60, male, and completely impervious to learning,” said executive Michael Evans. “So we’re pivoting. We’re developing AI-generated footage of endless planes getting shot down, with patriotic music blaring over it. No more context, no more interviews — just pure kaboom. It’s already testing through the roof in our focus groups.”
At press time, Strungis switched off The History Channel for a breather, blasting Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” — a song he proudly called “the most pro-America anthem ever written.”