GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of Epstein-related allegations plaguing his administration, embedded journalists report.
“Seriously, he’s bringing up Obama in 2025? We are literally right here being starved to death by the IDF and he’s out here talking about the 2016 election, which he fucking won. He should be posting videos of our skeletal bodies everywhere like keys being jingled to distract a baby,” said 11-year-old Khaled Hassan, whose entire family was killed at a food distribution point. “Like, this is like prime distraction territory, people love pretending to care about starving children in foreign countries. I would give anything for a 3 a.m. all-caps rant on Truth Social. At least then CNN might actually talk about us.”
Trump responded swiftly when pressed about the Israeli government’s ongoing war crimes against Palestinians.
“No one cares about those kids. I care about American babies, big, beautiful, healthy American babies, who’ve been lied to their entire lives by Barack Hussein Obama,” shouted Trump while throwing old scrapbooks into the White House fireplace. “That foreign-born, radical left socialist Obama committed treason by working with Russia to rig the 2016 election. That was a beautiful perfect election that I won in a landslide, everyone I’ve ever met say they voted for me in 2016. Skinny people, tall people, fat people, some of the fattest people you’ve ever met. So fat they can barely walk, they all voted for me. But Obama and his cronies used Hunter Biden’s laptop to hack into Dominion Voting Systems to change votes to Hillary Clinton, wife of noted Epstein pal Bill Clinton. They are real creeps. I never met that Epstein guy, but the Clintons loved him. Despite their efforts, which were vast and supported by the liberal media, I unhacked the systems to change the votes back to my name in order to protect chubby-cheeked American babies from critical race theory.”
Political analyst Rachel Palmer expressed surprise at Trump’s strategy of not taking advantage of a proven political tactic.
“Frankly, I don’t understand it. Somalia, Serbia, Syria. There’s a rich tradition of politicians frantically pointing to international tragedies involving children to distract from their own scandals,” Palmer said. “Nixon did it, the Bush family popularized it, and Clinton perfected it. Yet Trump is inexplicably blowing a perfect Epstein deflection opportunity by rehashing old conspiracy theories that lost him the election in 2020. This is amateur hour. AIPAC must be driving dump trucks full of money to Mar-a-Lago to keep him quiet about this.”
At press time, Trump again missed his opportunity for transparency, opting instead to release all files relating to the assassination of William McKinley.