BUFFALO, N.Y. — A stunning rendition of The Beatles’ 1965 hit “Yesterday” by busker Alan Wentzel was completely overshadowed by an unhoused man masturbating in plain sight several feet away, sources report.
“This is the third time this has happened this week. It’s like no one masturbates to the Beatles from the comfort of their own homes anymore,” Wentzel complained. “I spent a lot of time perfecting this song on my acoustic because people are more likely to give money for it than for songs like ‘Stand By Me’ and ‘Wonderwall.’ I knew something was wrong, though, because people were looking beside me and gasping in horror instead of nodding along to the music. When I saw what was going on, I couldn’t believe it. Why did this guy have to wait until I started playing my most profitable song to start cranking off? It’s going to take forever to get everybody’s attention back to me again. And worst yet, this guy’s got a better singing voice than me. I’m cooked.”
Witness Jeremiah Rojas was more disgusted than moved by the incident.
“At first, I couldn’t get over how beautiful that song sounded,” Rojas noted. “I’m not even a huge Beatles guy, but wow! I was really getting into his playing, but then I saw some random guy beating it out of the corner of my eye, and it really killed the vibe of the music. I really would’ve liked to focus on the song, but I of course couldn’t take my eyes off the guy stroking his hog. I could definitely be wrong here, but I think he was actually following the rhythm of ‘Yesterday.’ It was actually kind of mesmerizing. Maybe he and the busker were actually doing some kind of performance in tandem with one another.”
Busking expert Shelley Griffith weighed in on the situation.
“Buskers tend to focus far too much of their energy on their music,” Griffith provided. “However, as much if not more effort needs to be spent on avoiding the public masturbators who will be distracting potential spenders from their music. Statistically, people are five times less likely to give you a buck if they’re distracted by some random dude greasing his flagpole in full view of your performance. My advice to buskers is to scope out potential spots before setting up to play, and it honestly doesn’t hurt to befriend public masturbators and ask around for their favorite places to let loose so they can be avoided.”
At press time, Wentzel had just decided to pause his playing and let the masturbator finish.