WASHINGTON — Newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden is extremely concerned that “The Netflix” won’t know to send his rental DVDs to his new address at the White House, frustrated sources within the administration confirmed.
“I tried logging on to their internet page to make sure they don’t send those tapes to my place in Delaware, but it just kept showing episodes of ‘House of Cards’ season three. I haven’t even watched season two yet,” explained a beleaguered Biden while checking his mailbox for the sixth time that day. “I don’t want TV shows on my computer, buddy — I want them on my television, where they belong. What’s next, reading the news on my phone? Give me a break, man.”
White House staff attempted to calm Biden, explaining that they could easily procure any movie, TV show, or documentary the president desires, but to no avail.
“Even after four years of working for Trump, this has been the worst week of my life,” confided White House IT technician Gavin Roberts. “I knew I was in trouble when he told me his Netflix password was ‘Joebidenspassword.’ But his obsession with getting his ‘videos’ in the mail really takes the cake. I tried to explain streaming to him, but he wouldn’t calm down until I lied and said we sent ‘Mr. Netflix’ a special letter about it. It was like reassuring a six-year-old who just moved that Santa will still bring presents.”
Netflix revealed that they have spent considerable resources trying to soothe President Biden’s irrational concerns.
“As we have informed President Biden, literally everyone in the country is aware of his address change, and he will receive the DVDs in his queue,” noted Netflix customer service manager Vanessa Nguyen. “Unfortunately, it’s pretty obvious that we’re now in for at least another four years of nightly calls from Biden asking questions like if we’re going to charge him because he forgot to rewind that ‘Barbarella’ DVD. Well, at least he can give us a hand by looking around the West Wing for some of the ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ DVDs Trump neglected to return.”
As of press time, a fed-up Biden decided he’d just borrow the “House of Cards” DVDs directly from his close personal friend, Kevin Spacey.