SEQUIM, Wash. — Local audiophile and longtime smoker Dale McGovern preferred the crackling sound and imperfections of cigarettes to the glossy frequency of a vape, confirmed sources who immediately tried to get out of a conversation with him.
“Nothing compares to the imaging response tonality and balanced output resolution of a Parliament Light,” said McGovern before asking his friend to turn off the vinyl record they were playing so that he could listen to his lit cigarette. “It just has a much warmer and richer sound than a Juul. Plus, it’s how nicotine was meant to be inhaled. Vapes are just mass-produced bullshit that normies always fall for. They’re too clean, too crisp, and too bright. It’s just like people who stream their music on their iPhones instead of bringing their record player and entire vinyl collection everywhere they go so that they can listen to the best quality music anywhere. Even on the bus.”
Friends of McGovern had just about enough of his elitist disposition.
“This guy actually thinks his lungs can tell the difference between a Marlboro and rosemary banana-flavored smoke. How foolish,” said friend and vape store employee Jace Prodder. “E-cigarettes just allow me to get my nicotine more conveniently. I don’t really care how it sounds or feels. It’s all going to the same place in my body, which is then exhaled out of my lungs and into the faces of everyone around me within an eight-foot radius. And as a bonus, I never smell like I just took a bath in an ashtray in 1974. Clearly a superior carcinogenic product.”
Experts were well aware of these kinds of people’s proclivities.
“Audiophiles are surprisingly all the same,” said pop culture analyst Gracie Braxton. “First, they develop a stubborn preference about how they intake their music. Second, they move onto their nicotine consumption. Next, it’s anyone’s guess how the common audiophile will evolve. They could start preferring horse-drawn carriages to cars. Or they’ll start riding a penny-farthing instead of a bicycle. Some even start to prefer the ‘smooth feel’ of Bing instead of Google. These people are borderline psychopaths.”
At press time, McGovern also revealed that he preferred the warm, crisp taste of chewing tobacco to that of Zyn.