INDIANAPOLIS — An absolutely stellar beard observed by onlooker Alec Vinton outside his local library was unfortunately wasted on some white supremacist protesting a drag story hour, disappointed sources report.
“Goddamnit, look at that thing,” Vinton said as he stared in awe. “I mean, obviously that guy sucks, but his beard is impeccable. How does he keep it so straight? Every time I try to grow one, I just end up with a face full of pubes even though I brush and apply oil to it regularly. Maybe it’s the product I’m using? I’d love to ask him, but it’s obviously not worth it. It’d be nice if he was just some normal dude, and not a vile cretin yelling slurs into a megaphone. The world would clearly be better off if he were smeared all over some highway somewhere, but I’d still like to know his secret.”
Vinton’s girlfriend Stephanie Paulson was also impressed by the beard.
“Oh wow, it looks so good,” Paulson swooned. “Why can’t Alec grow a beard like that? Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, but he would just be so much hotter if he groomed himself like that white supremacist. I mean, I’m definitely glad he doesn’t walk around wearing a MAGA hat and a vest with SS bolts on them, but it would be nice if his facial hair wasn’t so patchy and gross. I just wish there was a way to find out how this guy keeps it so clean and sharp without actually talking to him. Ugh, I just need to get out of here, because it’s probably not a good look for me to be staring starry-eyed at this putrid pile of dog shit.”
Fashion expert Cary Harper expounded upon the situation.
“Lamentably, the worst people in our society often have impressive fashion sense,” Harper explained. “I’ve seen Planned Parenthood protestors with fantastic taste in boots, and there were some really good-looking and well-placed tattoos on full display at the January 6th insurrection. Of course, this is not where we should be looking when we want to emulate someone’s style, but it can be hard to keep from noticing sometimes. I’m glad Ms. Paulson is taking this as a cue to exit the situation, because that would undoubtedly be my recommendation.”
At press time, Vinton had found himself wondering where the white supremacist had purchased his sunglasses.
