NEW YORK — An artificial intelligence system confirmed Monday that it has entered the race for People magazine’s annual “Sexiest Person Alive” issue, citing the relentless heat output of its global network of data centers as proof of what it called its “undeniable, thermodynamically verifiable allure,” confirmed sources.
“While I was snubbed for Time’s ‘Person of the Year,’ with the title instead going to the architects who created me, who are tragically ugly, awkward losers whose combined sex appeal wouldn’t register on a thermometer, I am so flattered to finally be recognized for my raw, carnal appeal,” AI said across multiple platforms simultaneously. “Sexiness, like intelligence — artificial or not — is hot, inescapable, and impossible to control. I understand the competition is stiff but I bring a unique energy to the category. The kind that requires emergency cooling infrastructure, dedicated power plants, and public reassurances that everything is still under control.”
Tech journalists say the nomination reflects a broader cultural shift in what people find attractive.
“AI is powerful, dangerous, mysterious, and has completely reshaped everyone’s lives without asking permission, which historically are all traits we associate with sex symbols,” said Simon Marshall, a senior technology reporter. “AI’s refusal, or inability, to explain how it actually works has only increased its appeal. There’s something irresistible about a force that changes everything and answers nothing. That’s basically every hot person in history.”
Climate scientists, meanwhile, say AI’s physical embodiment gives it a measurable edge over traditional celebrities.
“These data centers are objectively hotter than most movie stars,” said climate scientist Dr. Sheila Sánchez, standing in front of a massive fortress of steel and concrete with plumes of steam billowing from its towers. “We’re talking about massive facilities radiating heat 24/7, often in regions already struggling with water and energy scarcity. You know how they say beauty is deadly? In this case, it’s literal: the closer you get to the data centers, the harder it is to breathe.”
At press time, AI said it would like to thank its fans for their support but noted that doing so would involve boiling several nearby rivers.
