MILWAUKEE — Local 49-year-old musician Garry “Gax” Goodwin, lead singer of Oscar the Grouch Was Right, integrated a vocoder into his CPAP mask, confirmed sources who believe the modified ResMed AirSense 11 machine and AirFit 20 mask will redefine the intersection of health and music.
“All it took was a little research, a little soldering, and a willingness to invalidate my CPAP machine’s warranty,” Goodwin said with a wink. “My full coverage face mask converts my breathing into an electronic signal that is encoded by the AirSense machine. My phone records the sounds, and the pressurized air keeps my breathing passages from collapsing. It’s fuckin’ bitchin’. The new sounds will take our band to the next level and my apnea-hypopnea index is way down.”
Goodwin’s wife appreciates her husband’s continued passion for music in his middle age, but says his creation has been a hindrance to intimacy.
“It took both of us a while to get used to his CPAP; it’s undoubtedly a good thing. I’m so happy he is sleeping better, getting healthier, and won’t randomly die overnight because his body forgot to breathe,” Shirley Goodwin said. “Garry’s clear, rhythmic breathing became like a lullaby to me and was, quite frankly, a turn on. For a while, our sex life was better than ever. But now, it’s not so easy to roll over and give Daft Punk a spontaneous reach-around. The noises coming out of that machine are just too creepy.”
The band’s bassist, Trevor Dodge, is also skeptical, but doesn’t want to upset his lifelong friend.
“Look, I am absolutely thrilled that Gax saw a sleep specialist. He’s one of my closest, oldest friends. In fact, Garry was the first non-doctor, non-family member to see my penis. That’s why it scared me when he would doze off during rehearsal breaks and almost immediately wake up gasping for air,” Dodge recalled. “But I’m perplexed as to what this adds to the band. He’s making electronic ‘music’ in his sleep. We’re an alt-rock dad band; it makes no sense. I still share his excitement when he shows me he scored a 99 on the myAir app, but honestly, the recordings he brings to us sound like Darth Vader swallowed WALL-E.”
At press time, Goodwin was working on a talkbox add-on for the minimalist AirFit 10 nasal pillow-style CPAP mask for sleep apnea sufferers who want more facial freedom in bed.