Back in 2012, while the rest of the country was still content to decriminalize small quantities of marijuana or prescribe it individually under medical provision, Colorado was already blazing the torch of personal freedom with fully legalized recreational weed. Just 11 short and relatively uneventful years later, Colorado again told the federal government to keep its snout out of the people’s cow-shit fungus clusters by legalizing recreational psilocybin. Colorado is clearly getting more and more comfortable in its role as the country’s weird, unmarried uncle and there’s no sign of the trend sobering up any time soon, so here are 15 more drugs ranked by the likelihood they’ll become legal to enjoy in Colorado next year.
Honorable Mention: Philosopher’s Stones
On name alone, this psychotropic mushroom is begging to be available everywhere from crystal shops to smoothie shoppes. Get some friends together, open your minds and see what fills the space. One note: This drug actually stands zero chance of being made legal next year… because it already is!!
15. Heroin
Walk around any town in Colorado and you’ll be asking yourself, “Wait, this stuff isn’t legal?” And maybe that’s the problem. Use is on the rise and increasingly dangerous due to unregulated additives since it’s all provided on the Black Market. Think of it like this; jumping a snowmobile over a barn is legal in Colorado but that’s not what makes people want to try it. Certain folks will always go for the rush, let’s not perpetuate unnecessary violence and corruption around inevitable behavior.
14. Dexedrine
Dexedrine is the stimulant that got the world through WWII and later housewives through their day before becoming prescription-only in the ‘70s. For all its run-through-the-woods-naked headiness, Colorado is also a place that likes to get shit done- just look at Governor Jared Polis’s progressive gun reform. Naturally Colorado is ready to relegalize a good austere upper.
13. The Original Four Loko
A key virtue of any evolved society is the ability to admit a mistake. The near-deadly combination of alcohol and taurine made famous by Four Loko was a freedom that never should’ve been taken away. There’s only one place to get that unmistakable feeling of your heart about to explode out your ears and by God it deserves its place back on the shelves.
12. Dried Out Banana Peels
In the event someone figures out it does, in fact, get you high, Colorado wants to be ahead of the curve. Vote YES on Prop 69-420.
11. Jenkem
Wait, what now? EXACTLY. Jenkem is one of those drugs of lore; less about legal vs. illegal and more about myth vs. reality. If you’ve ever taken a dump in a Gatorade bottle, waited a few months, then taken a giant huff of the fermented fumes and NOT experienced hallucinogenic euphoria, it might be because there weren’t enough tax dollars backing the research. Colorado has the golden opportunity to see if the public sector can turn this apocryphal stinker into a renewable high.
10. Good Meth
The dirty, illegal bathtub crank of today just makes people want to punch windshields, take toasters apart and peel their faces off with nail clippers. If Colorado gets busy producing good clean meth it can deliver on what it was intended for; getting big-rig truckers from Denver to Pennsylvania without sleeping.
9. Scopolamine
Though it can be prescribed for motion sickness, the real fun begins when properly abused and it manifests its street names; Devil’s Breath or Zombie. The effects are terrifying and no one has ever reported a positive experience. Why should it be legal in Colorado? As an easily accessible reminder that just because something is legal in Colorado doesn’t mean you should do it.
8. K2
C’mon, ya gotta roll the dice now and again. Synthetic weed can be anything, which is what makes it cool. If Colorado makes everything else legal, it’ll be fun to do something unregulated-by-design ironically. Like, “Remember when this was illegal? Remember when I could feel my feet? Holy shit, what the fuck is this stuff?!?”
7. MDMA
Just when you thought you couldn’t get any closer to someone than sharing a sleeping bag with them under the stars, bang- the Molly turns on! And it turns out you’re not in a sleeping bag at all- your humping a tree by the side of the highway, but it’s cool, just go with it man.
6. Real Absinthe
Colorado is long overdue for a pivot away from the tired, played out IPA craze of 2002. Solution; all those bearded brewmasters turn to Absinthesmiths, start hand-sourcing Vienna wormwood with the same pretentious snobbery they once did hops and slowly watch the entire state descend into nightmarish psychosis.
5. The Brompton Cocktail
A proprietary blend of morphine, cocaine, gin and thorazine, the Brompton Cocktail was popularized in turn-of-the-century London but will find a comfy spot in rapidly gentrifying Colorado all the same. Considering its ingredients, the Brompton stands to dethrone Coors Light as the official beverage of Colorado, even if no one lives to tell about it.
4. Ayahuasca
Natural beauty is one reason people from big cities come to decompress in Colorado, and the menu of legal drugs should be the other. No matter how high a mountain peak you scale or turbulent a set of rapids you raft, you’re still you. That is until you pop into a storefront Ayahuasca lounge for a quick visit with a shaman. You’ll confront trauma, touch the godhead, reboot the hard drive and go home with an ego death you can brag about for months!
3. Salvia
Salvia is a special substance. It delivers all the catatonic dissociation of nearly dying without cutting into the time you’ve set aside to do other drugs. Colorado will always be a friendly town for heroic dosage, but it could really fill a niche for those going to the edge and back on a tight turnaround. This could be big at airport layovers when you want to be able to say you completely lost your mind in Colorado, but also be able to say your own name when they change the boarding gate 15 times.
2. LSD
I mean, c’mon. Between String Cheese Incident, Red Rocks and String Cheese Incident at Red Rocks, Colorado and acid go together like String Cheese Incident and, um, I dunno… some place where String Cheese would be cool to see live. Plus, it’ll be just in time for the grand opening of the Hunter S. Thompson museum at Owl Farm; online blogger dads in bucket hats tripping ballz and threatening their wives with bowie knives all afternoon; “TELL ME ABOUT THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!” It can’t miss!
1. Cocaine
Skiing is expensive… and so is hitting the slopes!- which is just how winter-sport elites like it! From Breckenridge to Vail, rich guys and their obnoxious families cannot put a price on getting as much adrenaline-pumping brotastic epicness out of a ski vacation as possible, both on the mountain and off. It’s simple economics; limitless tourist budgets plus sky high taxes on nose candy and it’s a destination win-win for gnar-shredders and public schools alike.