Tim Graham
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HAMTRAMCK, Mich. — Local dumpster diver Kev Grubbs treated himself to some wet food that was beyond his typical dry…
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David Britton
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MESA, Ariz. — Local kinky couple Charles Huffman and Mallory Moore seemingly got aroused after coercing their friends and family…
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James Webster
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OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during…
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Matt Oriente
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BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands,…
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Amy Currul
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TEL AVIV — IDF soldiers and fellow genocidal maniacs alike were excited to witness Israel’s version of Punxsutawney Phil seeing…
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Rachel Hein
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KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Local emotional support dog Gus is reportedly “at his limit” and has sought his own emotional…
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Josh Fernandez
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SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources. “I…
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Steve Packosky
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WASHINGTON — 19-year-old Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) agent Braden Wakefield found himself running short on reasons for why he…
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Jon Wood
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LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed…
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Dan Rice
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NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local punk Pattie “Two Dollar” O’Malley set up a foundation dedicated to researching and curing “coke…
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