Tim Sheard
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NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of…
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Mark Danowsky
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PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and…
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LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters…
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Justin Cummings
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NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed…
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Steve Packosky
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WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls,…
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Matt Husser
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GREENVILLE, N.C. — Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson announced plans to expand his empire into the pharmaceutical market with new Plan…
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NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside…
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Matt Husser
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WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by…
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ABINGTON, Mass. — Local man Mike Horrigan declared he was living an Orwellian nightmare after dropping all his expensive Apple…
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Steve Packosky
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BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth…
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