WASHINGTON — Yesterday afternoon in the Oval Office, President Trump announced he would be reducing the cost of Ozempic in order for Americans on SNAP benefits to suppress their appetite while the government shutdown continues.
“Thanks to me, no American will feel hungry while the Dumbocrat shutdown continues,” exclaimed President Trump. “When I announced this, just thirty seconds ago, a little girl came up to me. Tears in her eyes, she said to me, ‘Thank you, sir.’ I like it when they call me sir. ‘Thank you, sir, for making me and my family skinnier and hotter than before.’ And let me tell you, she was beautiful! Real island material.”
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke after the President, applauding his decision.
“Ozempic has helped me suppress my appetite for canine flesh, so I’m positive this drug will help millions of families get through this tough time too,” claimed Kennedy. “There is no red dye or Tylenol in the shot, so it won’t give your child autism, and I’m told that, if anything, it makes you less vaccinated against Covid. We’re also in talks with the manufacturer to throw a little beef tallow in that bad boy.”
While some critisize Trump’s priorities, many prominent conservative talking heads claim that this move shows Donald Trump is in touch with the American people.
“This move shows that the President hears you loud and clear,” said Heritage Foundation spokepersom Timmothy Harold in a CNN interview. “He hears you, and boy does he wish you would shut up. If shooting Ozempic makes the average American shut up about not being able to afford food and also makes them a little easier on the eyes, hey, that’s win win.”
At press time, Trump was preoccupied watching a child drown in a lake as he stood motionless.
