WASHINGTON — President Trump will be firing Secretary of Homeland Security and nominating Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to take over all of her duties, including having sex with advisor Corey Lewandowski on taxpayer-funded luxury jets, according to a surprise post on his Truth Social account earlier today.
“It saddens me to say that Kristi Noem has proven to be an ineffective head of the DHS,” said Trump. “She has misappropriated funds, she’s botched PR disaster after PR disaster, and worst yet, I have it on good authority that she is an extremely selfish lover. This country deserves a Homeland Security secretary who can handle the responsibilities and stresses of the position while providing Corey with the tender, attentive love-making he so desperately needs. Lord knows he’s not getting it at home. The taxpayers of this country can rest easy knowing that the mile-high sexual exploits they fund will be extremely gratifying to both participants going forward.”
At press time, Mullin was reportedly psyching himself up for initiation by pacing his office and chanting “It’s just a dog” over and over again.
This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.
