Yikes, looks like Donald Trump just can’t catch a break! In the wake of pedophile allegations, the economy tanking, pedophile allegations, the fumbling of the war in Iran he started, pedophile allegations, speculation about his mental and physical health, and pedophile accusations, the President figured the American people could use a distraction. That’s why he ordered the release of a huge trove of formerly classified files related to UFOs. Unfortunately for the President, they contained more than he bargained for.
Old Donnie figured a big fresh batch of highly disorganized files would keep the conspiracy people busy for a few weeks and detract from the accusations of pedophilia and rape against him. Unfortunately, it seems he released them a little too flippantly. Hackers were quickly able to copy and paste the redacted portion of the files, revealing Donald Trump’s ties to a massive, intergalactic pedophile ring!
The files in question highlight Trump’s relationship to Jeffzon Epsto, a financier from the Andromeda region currently under investigation by The Federation of Worlds over allegedly trafficking underage grays and reptilians into sex work for the galaxy’s elite.
Talk about a bad look!
According to the files, Trump flew on Epsto’s private cruiser “The Lolita Falcon” at least 36 times, bringing him to Little St. Reigis 7, a tropical luxury planet where Epsto supposedly ran his illegal sex cartel. A number of other prominent members of the galaxy were on the manifest, including Donzu Kern, Gleebgorb Plaxatan, and the former Prince Andrew.
If being placed on the cruiser of a known intergalactic sex trafficker wasn’t bad enough, the files also detail some incredibly unsavory allegations regarding Trump’s conduct across the universe, including an incident where he allegedly threw a newborn reptilian baby into a nebula, and had his rectum permanently damaged by the lightsaber of a youngling he attempted to force himself on.
This is not going to be good for midterms!
Trump was quick to deny the allegations within the files, calling them an intergalactic leftist hoax. While he admits to a one-time friendship with Jeffzon Epsto, he claims they had a falling out years ago when Epsto abducted a 17-year-old masseuse from Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort without his go-ahead. Still, the damage is done.
This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.
