PROVIDENCE, R.I. – FBI Director Kash Patel has informed reporters of a breakthrough in the manhunt for the Brown University shooter, stating that they will arrest the suspect as soon as the agency’s field operatives finish engraving leftist slogans and planting shell casings on campus.
“We are using every available resource to hunt down and arrest this heartless murderer, so I have asked that our agents work around the clock to engrave anti-MAGA rhetoric onto as many shell casings as possible and have them strewn around the scene of the crime. This will not only make a motive easier to pinpoint but will save our asses if the shooter happens to be on our side. If and when we find this person, we’ll know for sure that he was a leftist, America-hating extremist who was clearly upset with students being indoctrinated by liberal ideologies. Oh, actually, scrap that last part, we’re still workshopping that memo. I will, however, ask that local authorities let us do our job and stop nagging our agents about ‘hard evidence’. Do they know how many agents I had to pull off redacting the President’s name from the Epstein files to pull this off?”
As of press time, Patel informed reporters that he had to immediately follow a lead on the suspect, claiming they were hiding in a private airport near the next UFC fight location.
This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.
