Life can go by in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re rolling up to the bar with your crew, boasting about all the Jameson you drank while pretending to WFH, and the next you’re being placed in a chokehold and barred from going inside by a bunch of fascists who say you’re “out of control”.
That’s what happened to me recently when a few bouncers from “The Drunk Skunk” decided to redirect their unhappy childhood rage onto me, just because of my incoherent and belligerent state. Luckily for me, I don’t take the word “no” for an answer and was able to get past their blockade after distracting them with a well-timed faux epileptic fit that I’m famous for.
So now that I’m hiding in this bathroom stall until the coast is clear, let’s take a look back and ask: where are these goons now?
Bouncer Who Looked Like Vin Diesel
He was the first to suspect that I might have had a wee bit too much to drink after he caught me pounding back cans of hard cider outside. He had a great sense of humor too, asking me how I “liked them apples” as he socked me in the breadbasket after I playfully asked him how his wife felt being married to a limp-dick loser. Looks like he’s headed outside, I’m clear.
Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was alright. He eventually convinced the other guys that maybe I was having a real seizure and that they needed to stop wailing on me and call an ambulance, which was the opportunity I needed to run the fuck past them. Thanks for the compassion, sucker! He’s nowhere near the bar so I think I’m okay for a refill.
Brother of Bouncer with Ponytail
This guy was pretty forgettable other than being the younger brother of Ponytail guy, something I overheard them mention as I relieved myself by the front entrance. To be honest, I don’t really care where he is today. There’s only one thing I hate more than bouncers, and that’s nepo baby bouncers. Plus, I’m pretty sure his fists did the most damage to my face.
Cop Looking for Me in this Bathroom
Where is this guy now? Seriously, I need to know. He just came in a few minutes ago twirling his baton with bad intentions. If you know where he is, can you please just whisper it through the gap of this stall so I can make another run for it?