It’s almost a certainty that, given our current societal trajectory, musician turned presidential confidante Robert James “Kid Rock” Ritchie will become a Supreme Court Justice at some point in the near future. At one point, we would’ve considered his not having a law degree, or even the apparent ability to read, to be a disqualifying factor, but that’s clearly not going to halt the inevitable, so we might as well resign ourselves to it. As such, we decided to interview Kid to try and get on his good side before he’s given the robes.
The Hard Times: Hi Mr. Rock, how are you doing today?
Kid Rock: I’m chillin’ man, just thanking my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for every new day in this great country, you feel me?
HT: Sure. So, we’d like to congratulate you in advance for your future appointment to the Supreme Court.
KR: What’s that?
HT: It’s one of the most consequential positions you can have in this country, as the Supreme Court is one of the three branches of the federal govern—you know what? It’s not important, but it’s going to be a job that President Trump—
KR: Fuck yeah! Make America Great Again! Whooo!
HT: Ok. Well, anyway, do you have any plans for how you’ll be interpreting the Constitution? We know you’re conservative, but will you be more of a practical originalist like Justice Alito, or a judicial minimalist like Justice Roberts?
KR: I don’t know what the fuck you just said, but I believe in God, guns, Trump, and huge titties. Ain’t nothing wrong with any of that!
HT: We understand that, but the work you’ll be doing with the rest of the Court will have lasting effects on the life of every American for generations to come. We’re sure you grasp the overwhelming weight of this responsibility, so is there anything you’re doing to ensure history looks upon you as favorably as it does past justices like Charles Evan Hughes and Earl Warren?
KR: Fuck the mainstream media, fuck Fauci, and fuck Joe Biden! Let’s Go Brandon, motherfuckers!
HT: Alright, can you at least promise not to overturn Loving vs. Virginia?
KR: Whatever man, I brought my AR-15 and a case of Bud Light if you want to see me light this bitch up!
It was at this point that we counted our losses and left the interview. Here’s hoping that our upcoming interview with future Senate Majority Leader Kyle Rittenhouse goes better than this.
