Well, this one has been a long time coming! Given that we’re a punk news outlet with a strong slant toward film, horror, and an affinity for ranking things, it seems crazy that we are only just now ranking the films of former Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig! Well, better late than never. Let’s dig right in and rank the Danzig filmography!
Okay, here we go:
The films of Glenn Danzig: Bad.
They are bad. They are so so so so so so bad. Please understand, this is not a review or an opinion. It is a fact that these movies are bad. We watched them, we crunched the numbers, we measured them by every conceivable metric and what we have landed on is that these films are inarguably and irrefutably bad.
It is actually an accomplishment how bad these movies are. It is one of the few constants in the universe. You can use the fact that these films are bad to calibrate scientific instruments.
Here, let me show you the difference. I don’t really like Rob Zombie’s movies. That is an opinion. Compared to Glenn Danzig, Rob Zombie is Orson Wells.
Want us to rank the movies themselves? Seems pointless, as that would imply at least one of them holds something of any merit whatsoever, but okay, here they are in no particular order:
Verotika:
Boasting a 1.9 on imdb.com, “Verotika” somehow manages to be exploitative and at the same time devoid of any eroticism whatsoever. You might recall a first-grade recess where your dumbest friend said “what if a pair of titties had eyeballs?!” Someone let that kid make a movie. Without the use of CGI, Danzig managed to make something more alienating than the “Cats” movie.
Death Rider in the House of Vampires:
Okay, to be fair, we didn’t actually watch it. Why would we? Did you see “Verotika?” Christ.