Alright, we can’t be blamed for this one. Would you be excited if you were assigned to conduct an interview with thrash metal’s most obnoxious frontman? Be honest here. This isn’t like the time we missed our Skype meeting with Iggy Pop because we were hungover. We’re honestly huge fans of Megadeth, and would be stoked to sit down with Dave Mustaine if he weren’t such a nightmare human. I figured it would be way easier to skip meeting the real him, and just interview “him.” So yeah, the below is a total fabrication. You can be as upset as you want; I don’t care. Just please, please don’t rat me out here. Try to put yourself in my position, okay?
Hard Times: Hey Dave, it’s really nice to meet you!
Dave Mustaine: Likewise!
HT: So how’s life been?
DM: We probably just finished putting out another bullshit album that’s way overproduced, and I’ve probably already fired everybody who played on it.
HT: Oh, cool. Yeah, we’re definitely not going to listen to it.
DM: That’s fair. I just threw it on the pile of albums we’ve made over the last three decades. I’m sure some people will like it, but I’m well aware that 95% of our fans haven’t cared about anything we’ve released since “Countdown to Extinction”, you know?
HT: Yeah, we definitely fall in that category, and even that’s a stretch. We tapped out after “Rust in Peace”, to be completely honest.
DM: That’s fair.
HT: “Rust in Peace” fucking rules though. So does everything you put out before it.
DM: Thanks! I appreciate that.
HT: While we’re on the subject of your older stuff, can you add some songs to your live sets from “Peace Sells” beyond just the title track? That album is a masterpiece, and we’d love to hear something like “My Last Words” live.
DM: That sounds like a great idea, but we likely won’t do it. We will primarily play new stuff that you don’t give a shit about, though, and continue to encore with “Peace Sells” if that interests you?
HT: It really doesn’t.
DM: Sorry, man. Do you want to talk about religion or politics?
HT: With you? Absolutely fucking not. I think we’re done here.
There you have it. It may be completely fake, but at least I got to keep my job, so long as you’re cool and keep your mouth shut about this. In the meantime, would you have any interest in interviewing Michael Graves? Because we sure as shit don’t.
