It’s a great day to be a royal watcher! The arrest of former Prince Andrew for misconduct in the office marks the first arrest of someone in the royal family since the 17th century — that’s right — the first great royal arrest ceremony to grace the streets of London in over 300 years! Given that this luxurious tradition is rarer than once in a lifetime, the royals pulled out all the stops to make this royal arrest one to remember! Here’s a timeline of the pomp and circumstance it takes to arrest a royal:
Former Prince Andrew Escorted to Westminster Precinct in The Diamond Jubilee Paddywagon:
This is the vehicle every pedophile dreams of being escorted to jail in. A luxurious gold, diamond-encrusted spoke wheel frame holds an inescapable carriage literally built for a king. One can hardly tell the difference between this prisoner transportation vehicle and a giant chandelier! The doors to the wagon were custom-painted for the occasion, with depictions of cherubs engaging in the disgraced prince’s various crimes.
The paddywagon is sent off from the palace gates by a Guard of Shame, comprised of several hundred British military officials and 1000 palace guards who, while normally maintaining a strict order of silence, are on this rare occasion permitted to snicker and offer the odd “Was all dis den?” and “It’s a royal arrest, init?”
The Procession Crowd:
Over 4000 official guests lined the stands, with thousands more crowding the designated viewing areas. Celebrities: too many to count. Anyone who was anyone in the world of high society, film, music, and pedophilia was in attendance, including Bono, Elton John, and the guy who writes songs for Elton John, all dressed to the nines and visibly ashamed of the disgraced monarch. Ghislaine Maxwell was unable to attend but permitted to watch the ceremony live via satellite.
Arrival at Westminster Precinct
Andrew was seen leaving the Diamond Jubilee sporting his traditional royal formalwear, only with the red replaced by prison orange. His walk from the paddywagon to the precinct steps was scored by a commissioned musical number composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber, a song called “Prisoners” in which he describes various types of Prisoners. Like Cats, but with prisoners.
The Placing of The Royal Handcuffs
Gifted to the Royal family by a pope in the 16th century, these solid gold, jewel-encrusted restraints are the only cuffs in the world deemed fit to restrict the movements and prevent the escape of Britain’s most powerful pedophiles.
St. Edward’s Time Out Chair
As is tradition, an offending royal is placed in this centuries-old wooden chair for 15 minutes of quiet time to reflect on their transgression. In older times, this was the full extent of the punishment for a royal, regardless of the nature or brutality of the crime. While today Prince Andrew will face at least the possibility of actual consequences, the tradition is still upheld.
The Charging and The Oath
After Andrew was officially charged with his crimes, he swore on the gold ampulla to uphold his duty as the noblest and highest criminal in all the realm.
The Sex Party
Held at Buckingham Palace in his honor, this exclusive VIP event is where the bulk of the hundred million dollars went.
