One was a massively corrupt political party dragging the country into authoritarian oligarchy through lies, xenophobia, and secret police. The other, a Democratic senator, fresh off the heels of a stroke that significantly damaged his brain, and ready to believe anything you told him. It was a meet-cute for the ages, but if you’ve been shipping the GOP and John Fetterman, we’ve got some troubling news — it looks like the Fett-dog might have some competition.
Scott Landers was a mild-mannered and well-liked security guard at a construction site until a workplace accident left him with an iron rod through the skull. Miraculously, he survived, but friends and family report the incident has radically altered the once kind and even-tempered Landers. He is now irate, irrational, and prone to fits of extreme paranoia and delusion — something known in conservative political circles as the “it factor.”
Just when it looked like the GOP was about to drop to one knee and make their situationship with the severely ill John Fetterman legal in front of God and everyone, in barges this tall, severely unstable drink of water. The guy looking at the hot girl in front of his girlfriend meme practically writes itself. Fetterman better up his game fast, because Landers is “speak in tongues brandishing a broken bottle” crazy now, and top conservative lawmakers have sure as hell taken notice.
Landers’ political potential was first noticed by top republicans when a video of him recovering in the hospital went viral. Doctors and hospital staff could be seen desperately trying to restrain him as he attempted to rip out his IV, shouting in a mixture of English and a language of his own design that the fluid contained microchips, that hospitals were slave factories for the satanic deep state, and Israel is America’s biggest responsibility. All while blood still profusely oozed from his fresh skull wound. Rumor has it Mitch McConnell took one look at that video, steepled his fingers, and cooed, “Excellent.” Pennsylvania, there might just be a new senator in town.
Early focus group shows conservative voters identify with Landers’ paranoid lunacy, noting that he seems “down to earth” and “real.” When asked if his platform to arm every man, woman, and child in Pennsylvania with swords and torches until the Rat King and his hypno-hordes had been neutralized, focus groups noted that Landers was likely not being literal, and that the Rat King was a metaphor for government overreach. When shown a video of a disheveled Landers firing a handgun wildly into a sewer, shouting “Get out here ya gaddman Satan Rat man, you don’t fool me!” one group member accused whoever took the video of lacking critical thinking skills because cancel culture.
Fetterman better start tasting some more pennies fast if he has any hope of emerging as the victor in this little love triangle. At this rate, he’ll need a bolt of lightning to destroy an entire hemisphere of what remains of his brain just to compete with this dangerously deranged new conservative dreamboat. The GOP knows the lifeblood of their party is the fear-based madness of those poor twisted souls who, by cruelty of fate, exist in the murky nether-regions between life and death, and Landers has got that in spades. It’s not every day you find a mentally crippled misfortunate with Landers’ youth, vitality, and, rod through the skull aside, rugged good looks. If that rod had bludgeoned its way straight through his skull while Trump was giving out cabinet positions, it wouldn’t even be a contest.