Listen up, you self-employed sociopaths! Is post-nasal drip getting you down? Do you lose feeling in your feet every single time you yawn because you’re 35 years old? Are you sad that you can’t get the recovery rest you need because you’re literally beaming blue-screen light straight into your brain 24 hours a day like you’re living in “A Clockwork Orange?”

Well suck it up, snort a line of coffee grounds, and get ready to learn from the master. If you faithfully follow my “Gig Economist’s Guide to Redlining Your Heart With Cold Medicine and Redbull Instead of Taking a Day Off,” you’re going to feel like God. Except in this case, God is worried that ordering $23 worth of Domino’s will bounce his rent check. Anyway, you’ll never have to worry about missing your weekly minimums again if you follow this insanely unhealthy and dangerous advice!

Consult the Hat Man as Your Creative Cohort

Not only is Benadryl over-the-counter, but they also don’t even check your ID for it. But here’s the tricky part: you need to power through the exhaustion to push your fever dream into the conscious realm in the form of horrifying, waking sleep paralysis. When you finally see the Hat Man staring in your doorway, tell him that you are in a jam, and he’ll help you brainstorm. Just be sure to have a legal pad handy when you lock your gaze into his crimson eyes, and make sure that you don’t prick your finger to write down all your great ideas with your own blood this time.

Pour Your 5-Hour Energy Drink Straight Into Your Redbull

I want you to familiarize yourself with the concept of the “blackout rage submission.” This one is really easy to pull off if you’re okay with losing track of alarming amounts of time. All you have to do is pour caffeine into your caffeine, let your soul explode into your spreadsheet, and grind your teeth into powder as you submit projects with reckless abandon. If you really want to level up, just make sure you have some smelling salts handy because you really shouldn’t have constricted sinuses when you get started. Time is money, and you can only swallow so much mucus when your stomach is already a hotbed of ramen noodles and Imodium.

Using Night-Time Cold Medicine During the Day

When you’re ready to take your five-minute scroll through Upwork, you don’t want to over-commit, so it’s best if you slow down with some cold medicine to regain some lucidity. But here’s the trick: you’ve got to take the night-time formula during daylight hours, because you’ve already got nine gamer drinks gestating in your gut, and you’re about to go into orbit. I strongly recommend those blue Nyquil capsules. But just like in “The Matrix,” you might find yourself trying to peel off the wallpaper in your apartment because you think the seams are hiding the world outside the simulation, and you really can’t afford to be distracted right now. So make sure you have a totem handy so you can reliably discern between reality and hallucination.

Recognize the Perks

If you follow all of the above tips faithfully, and without variation, you’re going to have to power through some diarrhea. It’s also worth noting that the store brand eucalyptus-infused facial tissues are not only surprisingly affordable but also an excellent way to soothe your anus after yet another “freelancer’s blowout.” And through the searing pain of trying to convince yourself that “being your own boss” allows you to have the best work/life balance you’ve ever had, just remember that one of the best parts about working in a gig economy is that you can cry in the comfort of your own bathroom for as long as you want.